【原创】刘晓伟老师—中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（一）

　　XX中考大战迫在眉睫，很多学生和家长都希望在剩下的两个多月里争取在英语有所突破，我本人在周日下午的课最多也只能向20多人学生面授中考写作课程，为了能让更多的学生和家长受益，我把利用课余时间帮助学生修改的作文全部登出来，每篇文章都附有点评和原文修改。希望大家能避免一些常见的错误，多使用一些地道的短语和句式，为自己的中考之路添加更多的信心和实力。

　　作文题目：

　　五晚你父母都出去了，只有爷爷和你在家，你在客厅里看电视而爷爷在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到爷爷屋里有什么动静，当你推开房门，惊讶地发现爷爷正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。然后让爷爷平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了爷爷的命。请根据提示以"An Unforgettable Night"为题，写一篇80字左右的短文。

　　作文修改如下：

　　先表扬一下：内容都写到位了，关键在于组织。

　　急需改进的地方：

　　1. 正确的语法结构。

　　2. 几个简单合并成复杂句

　　3 前后句子的连贯性。

　　4  一定要分段。

　　I have an unforgettable night on last Friday. Because I saved my grandpa’s life. (I had an unforgettable night last Friday because I saved my grandpa's life.) 

　　Last Friday, my parents were not at home, and I watched TV in living room. My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room. (将几个简单句合并更好一些，可以写成：My parents were not in on the very night. I was watching TV in the living room while my grandpa was reading newspaper in his bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had lost consciousness. (最好用双宾语结构：find sb doing sth. 可以写成：When I walked into his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) So I immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子，是个硬伤。可以写成：Without hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, I immediately called 120.) In this time, doctor came. A doctor said I had a good job, and I saved my grandpa’s life. (将几个简单句合并更好一些，可以写成：At last, the doctor arrived, who told me that I had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)

　　What an unforgettable Friday!!

　　(What an unforgettable night!)

　　恭喜你能坚持写完，并能看完这篇被我修改的文章。这样的人不多，你是这个班第二个这么做的，所以我要对你说：你很棒！能想象你以后很牛很牛的的样子。继续努力！